Cannesxiety
or: What Have I Gotten Myself Into?
Hey folks
First off, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the warm, generous reception my latest video essay received. At the time of writing it has over 2,200 views and 130 likes on YouTube. Aside from two video about Tenet I was able to get out the week of that movies’ release, this is by far the biggest opening a video on my modest channel has seen. Not bad for a first upload in over a year. If you haven’t checked it out already, I’ll just drop it here and get on with the real meat of this edition of the newsletter.
So, I’m going to Cannes on Tuesday. The festival is usually reserved for industry professionals and members of the press but they also run a “Three Days in Cannes” programs for dedicated cinephiles—basically you have to write a little essay explaining your reason for wanting to go and offer up some movie fan credentials, obviously I was able to talk a little bit about my YouTube and Substack as part of that so in a way I owe you all, your support is the only reason why I’m going to the most prestigious film festival in the world. It was literally a Film Twitter mutual that first alerted me to the program (shoutout to Rimsha!) and it was only because of the lovely people I’ve met online that I had anything close to the confidence to apply and actually go.
I’m quite nervous about going, I think it’s gonna be a pretty overwhelming experience. Previous drafts of this newsletter featured multiple paragraphs explaining in detail why this trip is especially daunting for me but honestly, reading back on them felt overly personal, messy and unnecessary.
The simple facts are I live with a great deal of anxiety. Both social anxiety and just plain ol’ general anxiety. It was at one point in my life deeply debilitating—interfering with my education, isolating myself from the world, sending me into a deep depression, and really just preventing me from Living My Life.
I got help and I’m better now (not cured, but definitely better) but sometimes I still run into new challenges. In this case, I’m traveling to France by myself, to attend the festival and navigate all the craziness of scheduling, crowds, accomodation, travel, socialising all on my lonesome.
While I’ve only ever been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, they manifest in a way that’s pretty close to agoraphobia, I become more uncomfortable the further from home and deeper into unfamiliar circumstances I get. Without a way to run home to a safe space, my flight or fight instincts go on high alert and I become a nervous wreck.
Obviously, I wanna overcome that fear. I want to see the world and do new things, while I’m much, much improved from the low point I was at in my teens, I still in some ways feel like I’m not Living My Life, at least not To The Fullest.
And what better motivator is there than cinema? It’s the artform that comforted me through my worst moments, that motivated me to attend college and begin a career, now it will get me to France all by myself for a few days.
I don’t know exactly what movies I’ll be seeing while I’m there, or what experiences I will have. I hope I don’t freak out and actually have a good time. And if I get to see MEGALOPOLIS? Well, that would just be unspeakably amazing.
No matter what happens, I’ll report back to you all on my experience and keep you posted on my Twitter as I go along. If you can, please send me some good vibes and good luck. I’m feeling a little queasy just thinking about going but I firmly believe I’m more than capable to make it there and have a good time. I just have to ignore my anxiety a little more.
Thank you as always,
Gavin