Cannesxiety Part Deux
or: What Did I Do?
Hey folks,
When last I wrote I was just about to head off to Cannes to partake in the “3 Days in Cannes” program wherein regular slobs like me (having written an essay to prove my bonafides as a film lover) get to rub elbows with the fancy schmancy elites (film critics and people with much better industry jobs than I) for a short time and take in some new movies.
I was feeling pretty nervous. I’d never travelled totally solo before, didn’t speak a word of French and pretty regularly experience panic attacks in new, overwhelming environments. In retrospect it was a kinda crazy thing for me specifically to do—I’m not exactly adventurous. But I guess, to paraphrase a meme, “my thirst for knowledge and passion for all things film has led me to places I wouldn’t go with a gun”.
I made a video on YouTube channel (my first time showing my face on camera, eek 🥺) talking about all the movies I saw so be sure to check it out if you wanna hear my sprawling thoughts on Megalopolis.
But I wanted to make this newsletter a space for me to reflect personally on my trip. Because overall, it went pretty well and I wanna celebrate that fact.
An exercise I picked up in therapy many years ago and has stuck with me since is the practice of imaging the worst case, best case, and most likely outcome of an anxiety inducing experience. When I first learned it, it kinda felt like a superpower, a way of shortcutting through what used to be countless hours of anticipatory anxiety and worry under the guise of preparation.
I did this exercise quite a lot in the lead up to my trip, picturing myself barricaded in my hotel room, too scared to face the outside world or somehow striking up conversation with Greta Gerwig after a screening and showing her my excellent video essay about the muppets or stuttering my words a little bit at shop counters and restaurants.
It will surprise none of you that my “most likely” visions were in the end the most accurate. I had some trouble. Awkward moments of mistranslation, small embarrassments caused by innocent misunderstandings. But also some triumphs. I asked for help with directions when I needed it, I hobnobbed with some intimidatingly cool people, I even successfully offered an elderly woman my seat on a bus.
Megalopolis got “mixed reviews” after its screenings and that was considered a blow to the film’s awards and box office potential but the truth is “mixed” isn’t all that bad. I actually think there’s some comfort to be found in “mixed” outcomes. Reminding ourselves that experiences exist on a broad spectrum helps put an end to ruminative, circular thoughts of anguish or ecstacy and allows us to keep on moving, from one mixed reception to another. Like from an awkward moment of embarrassment to a small personal victory.
I had hoped my experience in Cannes would boost my self confidence, sort of prove my prowess to myself. And in small ways, I believe it has. I don’t think I would have made a thirty minute YouTube video with my face front and centre before my trip, for example. And I’m already looking forward to upcoming challenges with a little less apprehension and a little more excitement.
I’m not entirely sure how relatable any of this might be to my readers. I’m very much aware that what I achieved last week doesn’t exactly sound the most momentous for a fully grown adult man such as myself. But having spent a not insignificant portion of my life essentially housebound by my anxieties, I continue to grow to my own somewhat peculiar schedule. I hope that’s ok.
In other news, I’m going back to the lab and to try and cook up new ideas for video essays and newsletters. If you wish to give me any sort of feedback, request or suggestion with regards to my work, please feel free to do so anonymously at ngl.link/primarycinema1